...Battery Charging...

Not fit for human consumption.  That's my mood today.  I like people, I really do.  I like to hear their stories and make them laugh; I like to tousle their hair and rub their backs and do nice things for them. I like people.  But maybe that's the very reason I sometimes find them difficult to be around. 

Because when you really, genuinely like people, they can disappoint you. They can hurt you, they can break your heart.  I refuse to become cynical to protect myself against those possibilities, but continuing to trust in the basic goodness of people does involve risk - a leap of faith.  I am grateful and lucky to have enough living proof surrounding me to know my faith is well-placed; I am grateful and lucky to have held two babies this weekend; I am grateful and lucky to share a home with young boys who make me laugh out loud, and to count my guy and my Grammy and my brother as my best friends.  I know I am luckier than most - and it makes me hold my breath sometimes.

And so, today I want to lay in a dark room with my dogs and 16 hours of Will & Grace on DVD.  Or a stack of books.  I don't want to cash in my faith-in-the-human-race chips, I just want to recharge my battery. 

Closure?

There are moments when I am NOT over it.  When I want to tell him how much I hate him, how much I fucking hate him, and everything he did to me over the years.  I want to list, again, all the things he stole from me, all the things he put me through, all the pain he caused me:  deliberate, conscious, manipulative cruelty.  The things he stole with a monetary value - the tens of thousands of dollars he coerced out of me.  The things even more valuable with no cash value:
my chance to have children, my self-esteem, my belief and trust in the basic goodness of other people.

They say to live a good life is the ultimate revenge.  They say that one day, if you're truly happy, you can let all past hurts and injustices go.  I can't say I believe it.  But I'll keep trying.